Which questions to ask as a couple, depending on the situation
A question that works great on a third date can fall flat after five years of living together, and the other way round too. Here are the situations that come up most often, with a few examples each time and the full list if you want more.
To get to know each other better, even after years
After a while you know your partner's habits by heart: how they take their coffee, their shows, the way they load the dishwasher. But you often know much less about what shaped them, their family or what's on their mind right now. For example:
- Which family habit have you reproduced without realising it?
- What would you like me to notice more often?
- If our story were a book, which chapter would we be on?
Early in a relationship
In the first weeks you mostly talk about facts: work, where you live, friends. That's normal. But some things are worth knowing fairly early, like how the other person takes criticism or what they want from a relationship, without it turning into a questionnaire. A few to start with:
- What's your natural rhythm: going out or staying in?
- What would I never guess about you?
- What's a beautiful gesture, for you: words, time, small attentions?
Intimate questions
They're not necessarily about sex. Most of them are about what brings you closer: when your partner feels loved, the little gesture that gets to them, what they don't dare ask for. We sorted them starting with tenderness and moving slowly towards desire, so each of you can stop wherever you like. For example:
- When do you feel most loved, concretely?
- What's the ordinary little thing I do that gets to you?
- What would you like us to do more often, without daring to ask?
About the future and the big decisions
Moving in, getting married or not, having kids, sharing money... People often avoid these topics because they're scared of disagreeing. And that's exactly why it's much easier to talk about them before making a big decision than after. Three examples:
- City or suburbs, renting or buying: what's your ideal scenario?
- A child: a dated plan, a vague desire, or an open question?
- Joint account, separate accounts, or mixed: your model, and why?
Long distance, over the phone or by text
When you don't see each other much, calls end up sounding the same: your day, how tired you are, good night. One slightly different question is enough to get the conversation going again, and some even work better by text or on the phone than face to face. And to see where you stand, there are also questions written for long-distance couples. For example:
- What did you think today without saying it to anyone?
- What do we watch, each at home, at the same time?
- What do we do, hour by hour, on the first day of the reunion?
The 36 questions to fall in love
This list comes from a psychology study run by Arthur Aron in 1997: two strangers ask each other 36 increasingly personal questions, then look into each other's eyes for four minutes. Lots of couples try it too, just to see what happens. We've put together the 36 questions from Aron's experiment with a few tips on how to ask them. For example:
- What would constitute a perfect day for you?
- If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
- Your house catches fire, your loved ones and pets are safe: you can save ONE object. Which one, and why?
To ask your boyfriend
People often ask us for questions to ask their boyfriend, especially when he isn't much of a talker. We gathered a hundred to get him talking a bit more than usual, from the lightest to the most serious. For example:
- What do you wish people asked you more often?
- What did we do at the beginning that we should do again?
- How long would you survive in a horror film, honestly?
To ask your girlfriend
And the other way round, we wrote 75 questions to ask your girlfriend. They're mostly about taking an interest in what she's going through right now, not just what she likes. A few examples:
- What are you missing these days, without talking about it?
- What's your safe place, the one you go to in your head?
- If our relationship were a TV series, which one would it be?
Before you're a couple: your crush or a girl you're getting to know
Not everyone is looking for couple questions. When you're still at the texting stage, light questions that are easy to send and fun to answer work best. We have a list to keep the conversation going with your crush and another one to get to know a girl without it feeling like a job interview. For example:
- Are you more of a four-minute voice note or a wall of text?
- What's your perfect Sunday, hour by hour?
- Which place in your city would you show someone first?
If you'd rather play
Some questions go down much better as a game, because there's a rule and often a result at the end. Here are the games on the site that are built on questions:
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- 100 questions together, each on your own phone
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- A full PDF report, with charts
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How to ask these questions without it feeling like an interrogation
There's no complicated method, but a few small things make the difference between a real conversation and a questionnaire.
- A few questions at a time: Three or four in an evening is plenty. If an answer opens up a topic, stay on it instead of moving on to the next one.
- Answer too: Whoever asks the question answers it afterwards, otherwise it turns into a job interview. And most of the time, hearing the other person's answer is what makes you want to share yours.
- Follow up instead of planning the next one: While the other person is talking, it's tempting to look for the next question. A simple "and how did you feel then?" works much better.
- The right to pass: If a question makes someone uncomfortable, you skip it, no comment. You can always come back to it another day.
- Pick your moment: In the car, on a walk or at a restaurant, it works really well. In passing or in the middle of an argument, much less so!