60 perfect questions to ask early in a relationship

At this stage there's one mission: finding out who this person really is, beyond the character of the first few dates. Lightness is compulsory, and depth stays optional.

1. What do you do when you have a day entirely to yourself?
2. What's your natural rhythm: going out or staying in?
3. What are you passionate enough about to talk for an hour?
4. Are you more of a thinker or more impulsive, and how does that show day to day?
5. What's your relationship with your friends: a tight group, separate circles, a few close ones?
6. What makes you laugh, really laugh?
7. How do you get up in the morning: on the right foot or don't-talk-to-me-before-coffee?
8. Which trip marked you, and what does it say about you?
9. What do people get wrong about you at first?
10. Do you cook, or do you reheat with talent?
11. What's your guilty pleasure that you half own up to?
12. What relaxes you after a heavy week?
13. Are you the last to arrive or the first to leave, at a party?
14. What's the most spontaneous thing you've done recently?
15. What would I never guess about you?

The relationship is settling in, and so is trust. This is the moment to understand how this person works, and particularly how they work in a relationship.

16. How do you show that something's wrong: do you talk, withdraw, wait?
17. What's your relationship with your phone when you're with someone?
18. How much time to yourself do you need in an ideal week?
19. What genuinely makes you uncomfortable in other people?
20. What's your definition of a successful weekend?
21. How do you react to criticism, honestly?
22. Do you keep in touch with your past, or do you turn pages?
23. What's your relationship with family, your own?
24. What have people reproached you for... and what do you make of it?
25. How do you handle disagreement: do you discuss it in the heat or after reflection?
26. What's a beautiful gesture, for you: words, time, small attentions?
27. What makes you jealous, if you're honest?
28. Would you say you get attached quickly, or that you let things come?
29. What's the thing that can ruin everything for you in a relationship?
30. What do you expect from someone in the bad moments?

When it gets serious, these fifteen questions check that you're looking in the same direction. You don't need to agree on everything, but it's better to know the gaps early than to discover them once you're married.

31. What's a successful life, for you, in ten years?
32. What place does work take in your ideal life?
33. Where do you see yourself geographically: city, countryside, elsewhere, nomadic?
34. What's your relationship with money: saver, spender, or it depends?
35. Children: a plan, an open question, or a no?
36. What does faithfulness mean to you, concretely?
37. What place do you give your family in your relationship life?
38. What's your relationship with celebrations, traditions, religion perhaps?
39. Do you think a couple should share everything, or keep their own gardens?
40. How do you picture sharing daily life with someone?
41. What's non-negotiable for you, in one sentence?
42. What do you think of couples who live in separate homes?
43. What's your biggest fear in love?
44. What have your past relationships taught you about what you need?
45. And about what you definitely don't need any more?

The seven questions everyone turns over in their head without letting them out. They're uncomfortable for thirty seconds, and they save months of misunderstanding. Choose your moment, breathe, and go.

46. Are we exclusive, or have we never actually said?
47. What are you looking for at the moment: a relationship, or are you letting things come?
48. Are there other people in the picture I should know about?
49. What's your own pace for making things official?
50. What did you think of me after the first date, the honest version?
51. Is there a subject you're avoiding with me, right now?
52. What would make you run, so I know where I'm stepping?

Number 46 deserves a special mention: it's THE question nobody asks and everyone pays for. Two people can live two different relationships for months, one exclusive in her head, the other not. Thirty seconds of courage settles it for good.

Yes, they count among the 60, because knowing to wait for the right moment is part of the exercise! Each has its hour. Asked too early, it weighs the moment down; asked at the right time, it moves things forward.

53. «What was the problem with your ex?» Too early, you get either a prosecution case or an awkward silence. Romantic history arrives on its own, once trust is there.
54. «Do you love me?» Asked before it's felt, it forces an answer, and a forced answer is worth nothing. Watch the gestures instead, they speak earlier than words.
55. «When are we moving in together?» Everything in its time, and that particular time has its own questionnaire, later.
56. «How much do you earn?» The relationship with money, yes (question 34). The figure, no. Not yet.
57. «Why are you still single?» The great classic that means to be a compliment and sounds like a suspicion.
58. «Your parents are going to adore me, don't you think?» Meeting the family is a stage, not a second-week topic.
59. «How many partners have you had?» No good answer, no good moment. Honestly, no reason to ask it.
60. «Will we still be together in five years?» That one you'll answer together, by being there.

If you've asked even half of all that over the weeks, you already know the essentials: how this person works, what they're looking for, and whether your directions line up. That's already far more than most couples know at the same stage.

What remains is the question that questions don't settle: what YOU feel. The attachment building up, is it friendship overflowing, attraction passing through, or the start of the real thing? At some point you have to ask yourself straight.

And the day the early relationship officially becomes a relationship, the questionnaire changes register. The questions to ask your boyfriend and the questions to ask your girlfriend take over, with the huge collection of couple questions in reserve for every evening after that. You'll see: the best conversations are still ahead of you.