Was my ex the one? The questions to ask yourself

Thinking about an ex now and then is normal. What's more unsettling is when the thought comes with certainty: that was the right person, and you let them go. Several well-studied mechanisms push in that direction.

First, memory doesn't keep everything the same way. Psychologists Richard Walker and John Skowronski brought together several studies showing that the emotion tied to a bad memory fades faster than the emotion tied to a good one. After a few months, the fights sting less, while the memory of your first trip together stays just as sweet. So the relationship looks better than it felt at the time.

Then there's what you're living now. A study published in 2013 followed people in relationships for six months: when their relationship got worse, they thought more about their ex. For those thinking about a recent ex, it also worked the other way: the more they longed for their ex, the more their relationship suffered. If the thought mostly shows up during rough patches, first ask yourself whether your doubts are about your current relationship.

There's also the fear of being single. In 2016, psychology researchers showed that the stronger that fear, the more people long for their ex, and the more they try to get back in touch. In their study, on days when the fear went up, the longing for the ex went up with it, and it was the fear that came first.

You can see it in people's regrets too. In a survey of about 370 Americans, romance came first among regrets (18% of the people surveyed), ahead of education and career, and those who weren't in a relationship at the time mentioned it the most.

That doesn't mean your feelings aren't real. But when you feel lonely, it's often the last person you loved who comes to mind, simply because they're the closest in time.

A lot of people believe, without necessarily saying it, that there's one soulmate out there for them. Psychologists call this the soulmate theory, and contrast it with another way of seeing love, where a relationship is built and adjusted over time.

A 2002 study of more than 500 students found that for people who believe in soulmates, the feeling of having found the ideal person weighs much more on their satisfaction and on how long their relationship lasts than it does for others. If that's you, and your ex seemed "made for you", every new person you meet gets compared to that image, and loses almost every time.

Nothing says only one person in the world could make you happy, though. That takes nothing away from what you had with your ex.

Take the time to answer them properly, in writing if you can. The first answers that come are often nostalgia talking, the next ones are more accurate.

It happens. Some relationships end because of timing: too young, or a distance that couldn't be bridged... If your answers mostly lead you back to reasons like these, and you felt good with this person day to day, the regret may hold some truth. Then look at where your ex is today: a serious relationship since, or a clear request not to contact them, changes a lot.

And if you conclude that no, it wasn't them, what you lived together is still real. A 2003 study of students who had just been through a breakup found an average of five positive changes they credited to it, like more self-confidence or closer ties with their friends.