Can You Be Friends With Your Ex? What the Research Says

Yes. Plenty of people keep a bond with a former partner, and sometimes it works very well: two people who shared years and know each other inside out can keep mattering to each other without being a couple.

Still, this friendship isn't quite like the others. In 2017, researchers at the University of Kansas asked several hundred people about their friendships with former partners. These friendships were less close than other friendships, on average: they offered less support and help, and people trusted each other less, especially when the breakup hadn't been mutual.

An older study of 386 American college students looked at what kept the friendship from working. It held up less well when friends and family didn't approve of it, or when one of the two was already seeing someone new. How the breakup happened mattered too: pulling away and leaving the other person with no news, instead of talking, damaged any friendship that could follow.

The 2017 study sorted the reasons people give for staying friends with a former partner. There are four main ones:

• Security: your ex is still someone reliable, who knows you and who you can count on when things go wrong.
• Practical reasons: the same friends, the same job, an apartment to hand back, kids to raise.
• Civility: you stay on good terms so as not to hurt anyone, or to avoid awkward moments.
• Unresolved feelings: you keep in touch because you still love the other person, or because you hope it'll start again.

And that's where everything plays out. Friendships built on security or practical reasons went fairly well. The ones built on unresolved feelings came with more negative emotions, even when they lasted a long time. If you want to stay friends because you still have feelings for them, there's a good chance this friendship will mostly hurt you.

Another study published the same year points the same way. The reasons people rated as most important were that the ex is reliable, trustworthy, and still means something to them. Men gave more weight than women, on average, to practical reasons... and to the chance of still sleeping together.

The question also works the other way around, and it can weigh heavily on a couple. A 2016 study of American college students found that those who stayed in touch with an ex were less committed to their current relationship, on average. They had also adjusted less well to the breakup, and still had more feelings for their ex.

That's not true for everyone. What matters most is openness: a friendship that happens out in the open, that you know about and are even invited to, has little in common with deleted texts or meetups nobody tells you about. If you're wondering whether their ex still takes up space in their life, look first at what happens in secret.

There's no recipe, but some situations lend themselves to it much better than others:

• The breakup was mutual: nobody feels abandoned, nobody has a score to settle.
• Nobody is waiting for a comeback: when one of you still hopes, the friendship turns into a waiting room.
• Time has passed: a few months without seeing each other, long enough for the feelings to fade, is often what lets you meet again on a different footing.
• Your new partners know about it: and they don't feel like a third wheel.
• It looks like a friendship: lunches or evenings with friends, not midnight calls or weekends for two.

Separated parents are a bit of a special case. With kids, you stay connected no matter what: the goal isn't necessarily to be friends, but to get along as parents, and that's already a lot!

Being friends with an ex isn't a mistake in itself. It becomes one when the friendship is mostly a way of not letting go. A few signs are hard to miss:

• You check your phone hoping for a text from them.
• You feel bad for days when they start seeing someone.
• You compare every new date to your ex.
• You see them more often than your other friends.
• After every moment together, you feel worse than before.

If two or three of these sound familiar, the friendship is mostly helping you hold on. Taking some distance doesn't mean cutting ties forever, just giving yourself time to heal.

If you want to keep your ex in your life, a few simple rules help a lot.

First, a real break. No texts, no watching their stories at night, for as long as it takes the breakup to settle. People often talk about a few months, but there's no magic number: what matters is being able to see them again without your heart racing.

Then, clear boundaries. No sleeping together "just this once", and no confiding in each other about your new relationships while it still hurts.

And you're allowed to say no. If your ex suggests staying friends and you don't want to, or not yet, just say so. A friendship you accept so as not to lose the other person is likely to end up hurting you.